A – Abstain from throwing any wild back to school parties until the kids are actually back in school. They may form the mistaken impression that this is a celebration for them. Also refrain from performing the back-to-school bunny hop with your spouse unless the shades are completely drawn. You wouldn’t want the neighbors to get the right idea.
B – Bookbags. The simple act of purchasing the proper bookbag for your child helps him or her confirm that the back-to-school process has begun and is irreversible. (“After I shelled out two weeks’ pay for that bookbag, yes you are going back to school!) Be sure to obtain the latest in colors and/or styles to ensure conformity within peer groups. Also be aware that this fad will fall away like blue off a Smurf’s back in a week and render the bookbag obsolete. (See clothes)
C – Clothes. Clothes are defined as randomly combined garments worn in various styles to produce envy among friends and wide eyed stares among members of the opposite s-e-x. For girls they should obscure any minor figure flaws (such as chest, waist, and hips) and emphasize positive traits (see examples for flaws, above.) For boys, clothes should cover all signs of underwear (at least until they leave the house).
*Note: Clothes are purchased at shops specifically designed for this purpose. Leave all apparel selections up to your child, particularly if they are middle school age or above. This is no place for amatuers. Just remember that next week when these styles have become obsolete, you won’t be the one sporting black fingernails and fishnet stockings.
D – Detention. Detention is the exciting time when your child manages to earn a longer than normal stay at school due to excessive social behavior (he talks in class), challenging the oppressive yolk of overwork (doesn’t do his homework), or is time challenged (arrives in homeroom at the crack of noon every day). Although this procedure keeps the child in school longer and out of undesirable places like your house, the positive aspects are often obscured by having to leave work to drag his sorry excuse for a body home because he missed the bus. The upside here is that you can vent any stress you’re feeling at the time on the child. (First, I spilled coffee in my shoes and now this!)
E – Eating. Eating is an important activity known to produce a general sense of peace and well-being. Teenagers often take this activity to excess everywhere but at school where the lunch is nasty. (Translation: they serve meats and vegetables.)
On the first day of school, feel free to celebrate with a few well-placed gallons of gourmet ice cream. Remember that the ice cream must not be in the refrigerator when your child gets home from school or it will be immediately be sucked into the neverending void known as his stomach.
F – Freedom. Once school is underway, you have a wonderful sense of freedom. Your time is your own. Until he calls to say he forgot his homework or his lunch or the science project he was supposed to be working on and could you bring a picture of a cumulus cloud to the office right this minute? In this event, return to E and consume copious amounts of chocolate.
G –Z So what happened to the rest of the alphabet? Budget cuts.